notes from the void
i can see the scene set behind my eyes as i lay down to sleep
the silhouette of my hands tracing the stars and the clouds at two o’clock in the night on our rooftop five years ago
i see myself cloaked with the void that only i could see
it feels like looking through a glass window frosted with snow
and the feelings come gushing back
that old familiar ache in my fingertips and my heart
the pain of being crushed and the familiarity it carried with it
and the realisation of how much i missed all of it
this feeling of wanting to grow
to change
to thaw out of this caricature i have become in the last five years
to see who i am meant to be
it is so burdensome
because i know i need to
that i cannot stay like this
yet i am stuck
in the discipline and routine of the sadness that has grown on me like ivy settles on an old abandoned house; so hauntingly beautiful in its own right
and in the longing to be who i know i was always meant to become, i stand here with cracks at my seams
i am here
trying to find my way
maybe this is growth too
in not wanting to be the same anymore
there is growth too
in not finding comfort in being the same anymore
i am still here
a little thawed by the sun
longing to flow with the wind
to stand steady in who i am like my mountains do
i am still here
looking for my way back home to myself
i can almost hear a whisper coming through the darkness behind my eyes as i lay down to sleep
it is as melodic as it is pleading
‘please dont fade away’

This is beautiful! “maybe this is growth too” <3333