notes from the void

i can see the scene set behind my eyes as i lay down to sleep

the silhouette of my hands tracing the stars and the clouds at two o’clock in the night on our rooftop five years ago

i see myself cloaked with the void that only i could see

it feels like looking through a glass window frosted with snow

and the feelings come gushing back

that old familiar ache in my fingertips and my heart

the pain of being crushed and the familiarity it carried with it

and the realisation of how much i missed all of it

this feeling of wanting to grow

to change

to thaw out of this caricature i have become in the last five years

to see who i am meant to be

it is so burdensome

because i know i need to

that i cannot stay like this

yet i am stuck

in the discipline and routine of the sadness that has grown on me like ivy settles on an old abandoned house; so hauntingly beautiful in its own right

and in the longing to be who i know i was always meant to become, i stand here with cracks at my seams

i am here

trying to find my way

maybe this is growth too

in not wanting to be the same anymore

there is growth too

in not finding comfort in being the same anymore

i am still here

a little thawed by the sun

longing to flow with the wind

to stand steady in who i am like my mountains do

i am still here

looking for my way back home to myself

i can almost hear a whisper coming through the darkness behind my eyes as i lay down to sleep

it is as melodic as it is pleading

‘please dont fade away’